Summary of the Core Content
This article explores why expectations can become a form of subtle violence: The expectation itself is not the problem, but when “disappointment” is used as a means of punishment, it turns into harm. This pattern originates from the psychological control and conditional acceptance exhibited by parents within families (love is only given if one behaves well), which teaches children to equate meeting expectations with being loved. As adults, we either use this pattern to punish ourselves (through high standards and guilt) or to punish others (through coldness and criticism). The article offers a way to break this cycle: by keeping disappointment at the level of emotional expression, rather than using it as a tool for relational punishment.
1. Expectations Are Not Harmful in Themselves; What Hurts Is the Bond Between Disappointment and Punishment
Expectations are a normal part of relationships—perhaps hoping that a partner will understand us or that a friend will be punctual. The issue arises when we respond to disappointment with punishment.
For example, if a child bumps into their father, the father could either say, “You hurt me; I’m a bit upset,” expressing his feelings, or he could scold the child harshly. The latter response makes the child feel that they must bear the father’s anger for failing to meet his expectations.
This bond between disappointment and punishment essentially means demanding that the other person must comply with our will. If they don’t, we use anger, coldness, or guilt to make them feel uncomfortable. This is how expectations turn into violence—they cease to be a wish and become commands that must be fulfilled.
2. The Family Is the Origin of the “Disappointment-Punishment” Pattern
We learn this pattern first in our families, through two types of parental behavior:
1. Psychological Control: Parents use emotions or threats to make us obey. For instance, they might say, “I work tirelessly for your sake” (inducing guilt), “If you don’t do this, I won’t love you anymore” (withdrawal of love), or “You make me lose face in front of our relatives” (inducing shame). Children, dependent on their parents, have no choice but to comply.
2. Conditional Acceptance: Love and approval are tied to whether we meet expectations. Good grades earn rewards, while poor grades lead to criticism; being obedient results in affection, while misbehavior is met with coldness. Children gradually come to believe that they are only worthy of love if they meet others’ expectations.
Research shows that this pattern can lead to depression, low self-esteem, and a tendency to internally regulate their behavior—always feeling the need to perform perfectly, otherwise feeling guilty (for example, feeling guilty for relaxing or continuing to revise a work that’s only 80% good).
3. As Adults, We Become Either Punishers or Punished
The patterns learned in childhood can harm us in two ways:
- Internally: We punish ourselves by internalizing external expectations as high standards. For example, we overthink a leader’s casual comment, worry about a friend’s slow response, or feel guilty for taking a break. What we fear is not failure itself, but the self-blame that follows it.
- Externally: We punish others in the same way we were punished as children. For example, if a partner breaks a promise, we might engage in a cold silence instead of expressing disappointment; if a colleague doesn’t perform well, we might be sarcastic. These behaviors are not intentional—they are just the ways we know how to express disappointment, and while they may drive change in others, they damage the relationship.
4. Breaking the Cycle: Keeping Disappointment at the Level of Emotion, Not Punishment
Expectations and disappointment are inevitable as long as we care about our relationships, but we can break the harmful link between them:
1. When expressing disappointment, focus on specific actions and feelings, not on personality: Instead of saying, “You’re so selfish,” say, “I’m disappointed that you canceled the meeting at the last minute without considering my time.” The goal is communication, not venting.
2. When you’re upset, let the other person know you’ll be back: It’s okay to need space when you’re emotional, but don’t just disappear without a word. You could say, “I’m feeling sad right now and need two days to calm down before I contact you.”
3. **Distinguish between “responsibility” and “expectations”: If you fail to keep a promise (for example, forgetting to help), you should apologize; but if you simply don’t meet someone’s expectations (for example, your mother hopes you’ll become a civil servant while you choose a freelance career), it’s not your fault, and they can be disappointed.
In the end, we need to learn that we don’t have to prove our worthiness through better performance. Disappointment simply means that reality doesn’t meet our expectations, but it doesn’t mean we’re bad or that the relationship will end.
The essence of this article is that expectations in relationships should be expressed as “I hope you do this,” not as “You must do this.” By accepting both disappointment and the possibility that others won’t meet our expectations, we can create more relaxed and healthy relationships.