Summary of the Key Points
This article breaks away from the traditional emotional narrative that attributes the inability to be together despite love to factors such as insufficient fate or incompatible personalities. Instead, it uses the underlying principles of neuroscience, evolutionary psychology, and everyday economics to analyze intimate relationships. Essentially, “falling in love” and “living together for a long time” are two completely separate processes in the brain. The former is a short-term, high-energy-consuming state designed to facilitate quick mate selection and increase reproductive efficiency, resembling a “buzzing effect” with a natural “beauty filter” that lasts at most three years. The latter requires real-world adaptation, resource exchange, and mutual benefit, as well as matching emotional attachment patterns. Most people are unaware of these differences and rely on that initial passion to sustain their relationship, which often leads to failure.
The article also explains bizarre phenomena in relationships, such as being overly submissive or promiscuous, using familiar metaphors from stock trading or running a business. It emphasizes that emotions are not some supernatural force against human nature but are instinctive choices that follow evolutionary logic of seeking benefits and avoiding harm.
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Detailed Explanation
1. Love is a temporary “newbie bonus” that wasn’t designed for a lifetime
Many people think that a failing relationship is due to fading feelings, but in reality, it’s because the brain’s physiological settings prevent us from remaining in a state of intense romance forever. During a crush, the brain releases dopamine and oxytocin, which activate the same brain regions as cocaine, creating a high-energy state. This is not sustainable for humans, and even a machine would burn out after three years of continuous operation. The purpose of this “buzzing effect” is not to help us build a lasting relationship but to prevent us from wasting time on unnecessary choices and to prompt us to move on to the next stage: forming a partnership and raising children. Once the relationship is established, the bonus begins to expire, typically within 12 to 18 months, and after three years, it disappears. People often panic when this happens, thinking the relationship is over, but in fact, this is the beginning of the actual partnership. Trying to sustain a relationship on the initial excitement for decades is unrealistic.
2. Intense romance has a “beauty filter” in the brain; you don’t really see the other person as they are
During a crush, you may perceive frugality as thriftiness or anger as straightforwardness. This isn’t because you’re deliberately ignoring the truth; your brain temporarily shuts down its critical functions and applies a “beauty filter,” masking all flaws. Once the filter wears off, you’re suddenly faced with the real person, and the disparity can be overwhelming. The person you loved was a fictionalized version created by your brain.
3. Living together is like running a business; your brain constantly calculates the costs and benefits
Your subconscious is more calculating than a financial analyst, constantly assessing the relationship. Arguing costs time, helping someone at work is beneficial, but them buying a gift for themselves after receiving a bonus is not. If the relationship consistently results in losses, even if there’s still some fondness left, you’ll naturally feel tired and want to leave. Being polite to outsiders but harsh on family members follows the same logic: it’s costly to lose face with outsiders, so you “siphon off” the benefits of the relationship, leading to its downfall.
4. Emotional compatibility is like system incompatibility; no passion is enough
Everyone’s emotional responses are shaped by their upbringing. There are four types of personality types: secure (emotionally stable), anxious (constantly wondering if the other person loves them), avoidant (seeing intimacy as a threat), and fearful (both wanting to get close but afraid of being hurt). These incompatibilities are inherent and cannot be overcome without adaptation.
5. Falling in love is like short-term trading; staying together requires long-term investment
The author compares love to stock trading, where the initial excitement is low, but maintaining a relationship over the long term requires patience and strategic decision-making. Only a small percentage of people can do this. Those who succeed in a relationship make it a profitable asset by managing their emotions and resources effectively. Those who are promiscuous are like traders who only invest in short-term trends and can’t sustain a long-term relationship.
In summary, this article shows that love is not a supernatural force but a set of instinctive behaviors shaped by evolution. To build a lasting relationship, one needs to manage emotions and resources wisely, just like managing a business. Most people lack the ability to do so and therefore can’t maintain a long-term partnership.