When “Giving a Shoulder” Becomes a Sociological Experiment: Why Do We “Lose Our Voice” in Intimate Relationships?
As a journalist who has long observed socio-economic phenomena, reading about the new book “Intimacy Is Up to Me” by Associate Professor Shen Yifei from Fudan University, I felt that it was more than just the release of a book; it was like a “deep diagnostic” of the emotional struggles of contemporary Chinese people.
The core of this article addresses a question that confuses countless adults: Why, as we grow up, do we seem to have failed to learn how to navigate romantic relationships?
Professor Shen Yifei used a simple act of “giving a shoulder” to peel back the masks we have become accustomed to wearing in social interactions, revealing significant blind spots in our understanding of physical boundaries, gender power, and self-awareness. She argues that intimacy is not about “feelings” or “luck”; rather, it is a “required course” that adults need to re-learn.
To help everyone understand the logic behind this, I have broken down the news into the following five key aspects for analysis:
1. The Moment of “Giving a Shoulder”: Why Don’t We Dare to Say “No?”
The seemingly warm interaction at the beginning of the article is actually the most incisive “hook” of the entire piece.
Shen Yifei asked people to place their hands on the shoulders of strangers, and the majority did so after hesitating. Why? In today’s social context, authority and conformity often override personal feelings.
- Scene Interpretation: In that setting, Shen Yifei was the expert (authority), and everyone around her followed suit. Even if you felt uncomfortable or embarrassed, you would subconsciously comply because the cost of saying “no” was too high—you might appear unsociable or disrespectful to the expert.
- Deeper Metaphor: This reflects the dilemma we often face in intimate relationships. Many times, we are not truly “willing” to do something, but rather, due to certain power structures (such as pressure from elders, emotional manipulation by partners, or societal norms), we lose the ability to say “no.”
- Core Pain Point: Shen Yifei wants to convey that true intimacy is built on the freedom to say no. If even a simple act like giving a shoulder requires reading someone’s reactions, then the physical and emotional boundaries in that relationship are likely blurred and dangerous.
2. The Myth of Young People’s “Lack of Ability to Love”: They Don’t Want to Love, They’re Afraid of Getting Hurt
There is a common belief online that young people today are “lacking the ability to love” or “prefer a lifestyle of minimalism and avoid marriage.” However, Shen Yifei’s research shows that this is a huge misunderstanding.
- Truth Revealed: Young people actually crave intimate relationships; they are not indifferent. What discourages them is the high cost of making mistakes and the distorted models of relationships.
- Cumulative Negative Impacts: The internet has amplified the dark side of relationships. Issues like infidelity, workplace sexual harassment, emotional manipulation, and exorbitant dowry disputes make young people think that “dating = high-risk investment.”
- Role Displacement: Especially young women, they no longer want to play the traditional role of waiting passively for a “prince” to save them. They seek equality, but the surrounding environment still operates using old stereotypes (men as providers, women as dependents). This sense of dissonance between wanting equality and an unequal environment leaves them confused and fearful.
- Journalist’s Perspective: It’s like after a stock market crash; people don’t stop investing, but are afraid of losing money. What young people need is not “pressure to marry” but “guides to avoid scams” and “operation manuals.”
3. Beware of “Self-Objectification”: Behind the Dowry, There’s an Invisible Trap for Women’s Values
The article discusses the sensitive topics of exorbitant dowries and self-objectification. Shen Yifei warns that objectification is often not a blatant transaction but a hidden social habit in daily life.
- What is Self-Objectification? Simply put, it’s treating yourself as a commodity. For example, excessively focusing on whether your appearance meets societal standards or sacrificing your dignity in a relationship to gain security or material benefits.
- Hidden Traps: Many women may not realize they are being objectified because these ideas are instilled from a young age—“You should be gentle,” “You should take care of the household,” “You should be beautiful.” When these expectations are internalized, women begin to judge themselves by these “commodity standards,” losing their agency as independent individuals.
- Key to Equality: Shen Yifei emphasizes that true equality is not about who listens to whom but about both parties respecting each other’s wishes and boundaries. If one person in a relationship is always treated as a “resource” or “tool” (whether providing emotional or financial value), the relationship is off track.
4. The Gap in Sex Education: We Teach Children to “Guard Themselves” but Not to “Understand Love”
This is the most practical part of the article. The current state of sex education in China has a serious imbalance between theoretical knowledge and practical application.
- Current Misconceptions: Most parents and schools focus on physical safety in sex education—how to prevent pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and privacy. This is like teaching children to wear seat belts without teaching them traffic rules or driving skills.
- Deeper Shortcomings: Shen Yifei points out that sex education should also cover communication, boundaries, trust, power dynamics, and self-awareness:
- How to express one’s desires?
- How to recognize when someone is crossing boundaries?
- How to maintain one’s identity in a relationship without being consumed?
- How to understand the power imbalances caused by gender differences?
- The Negative Effects of Sexual Intimidation: Due to parents’ lack of knowledge, sex education often becomes “intimidation” (e.g., “Early romance will ruin you,” “Sex is dirty.” This leads to shame and fear, preventing children from developing a healthy view of their bodies and relationships.
5. Why Start with Adults? Because Parents Are Children’s First Teachers
In the end, Shen Yifei made an intuitive choice: despite many publishers wanting her to write for teenagers, she decided to write for adults first.
- Logical Chain:
- Children are mirrors of their parents. If parents have misconceptions and shame about their bodies, desires, and boundaries, how can they teach their children to be healthy?
- Education is not just about telling children what to do; it’s also a process of parental self-growth.
- Only when adults first understand their own relationship patterns and break the negative cycles passed down can they help the next generation establish healthy values.
- The Purpose of the Book: “Intimacy Is Up to Me” is not about controlling partners or gaining dominance in relationships; it’s about teaching you to become the subject of your own body and relationships.
- Agency: This means having the right to understand your own body, express your feelings, and make choices that are respected.
- Ultimate Goal: Shen Yifei aims to create a bridge, turning personal pain (such as heartbreak or unhappy marriages) into public discussions (such as gender equality and social support). She wants to convey that intimate relationships can be approached rationally and scientifically. Handling them well is not about pleasing others but about becoming a more complete and free person.
Journalist’s Conclusion
This article may seem like a promotion for a book, but it is actually a call for an “adult emotional enlightenment movement.”
In today’s fast-paced, high-pressure, and information-driven world, we are adept at handling work and money but struggle with the most complex and personal aspects of human relationships. Professor Shen Yifei uses a sociological perspective to show us that intimate relationships are not mysterious or predetermined; they are skills that can be learned, improved, and managed.
For ordinary people, understanding this book is important for:
1. Regaining the Right to Speak: Learning to say “no” comfortably and “yes” with confidence in relationships.
2. Breaking Misconceptions: No longer being trapped by old notions like dowries, chastity, and traditional gender roles.
3. Self-Healing: Realizing that our confusion is not a personal flaw but a result of social structures and cultural inertia, thus gaining the power to change.
As Shen Yifei says, understanding and managing intimate relationships can help us become more complete individuals. This might be the “mental vaccine” we need most in this atomized society.