Hello, I'm your financial journalist and friend, also an economist.
Today, we're going to analyze an article from "Wang Xiaoyi and Her Friends." On the surface, it talks about parenting and parent-child relationships, but if you look at it through an economic and sociological lens, you'll realize it's actually a deep dive into topics like "internal resource allocation within the family," "return on investment in human capital," and "reconstructing individual psychological accounts."
The author, Wang Xiaoyi, uses very sharp and accessible language to peel back the warm façade of traditional parenting concepts, pointing out the high costs, low immediate returns, and high risks that modern families, especially those in the middle class, face in the process of raising children.
Below, I'll break down the core logic of the article into five dimensions and explain it in plain language for you.
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Core Point Summary: Is Parenting a "Loss-making Venture"?
In one sentence:
The author believes that under modern Western individualistic values, the parent-child relationship has shifted from a traditional "family community" to a "contractual relationship" between two independent individuals. For parents, especially mothers, raising children is a high-risk investment with significant upfront costs, painful experiences in the middle, and virtually no returns in the end. Therefore, the rational choice is not to blindly devote oneself, but to "unbind" – to prioritize taking care of one's own emotions and life, and to accept the reality of being a "60-point mother" (meaning not perfect), thereby reducing the psychological burden on both parties.
Why does she say this?
The article starts with a harsh conclusion: if a child has a poor relationship with their parents when they grow up, it's seen as a problem with the parents' character. This means parents bear full responsibility for the child's emotional well-being. At the same time, the "narcissistic satisfaction" parents get from their children (such as boasting about their intelligence or beauty) fades quickly after the child turns 6, replaced by feelings of rejection, challenge, and alienation.
Economic Analysis:
The investment includes a huge amount of time, energy, money, and emotional labor, while the returns are often independence, alienation, or even rejection from the child. Since it's a "loss-making venture," the rational approach is to lower expectations, stop over-investing, and focus on oneself.
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Dimension One: From "Community" to "Independent Accounts" – The Essential Change in Parent-Child Relationships
Plain Language:
In the past, we thought children were an extension of us; if our child was excellent, we were excellent. This is called "community narcissism." But from a modern perspective, children are independent "economic entities."
1. The 6-Year Mark:
- Before 6 years old (the profit period): Children reflect their parents' image, providing great psychological satisfaction (e.g., "Look how great my child is"). This is the only "high-return period" in the parent-child relationship.
- After 6 years old (the loss period): Children start to develop their own personalities, preferences, and opinions. They no longer need their parents' approval to define themselves and may even question them. If parents still expect to gain status or a sense of achievement from their children, they will feel frustrated and "lose money."
2. Unequal Responsibility and Rights:
- Parents bear unlimited responsibility for their children's emotional well-being (if something goes wrong with the child, it's the parents' fault), but they don't have corresponding control (if the child doesn't listen, parents can't force them to do anything).
- This is like an investor who invests a lot but loses control over the project and still has to bear the consequences. This imbalance in rights and responsibilities is the source of parental anxiety.
Economic Perspective:
This represents a breakdown in the "principal-agent" relationship. Parents, as the agents, gradually lose control over their children. If they can't accept this loss of control, it leads to long-term psychological strain.
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Dimension Two: Mothers' "Moral Bondage" and the "Burden of Freedom"
Plain Language:
Why do mothers suffer so much? Because society gives them a "get-out-of-jail-free card" but also imposes a "tight spell" on them.
1. The "Side Effects of Moral Bondage:
- Society promotes the idea that mothers are great and must sacrifice. This has a big advantage for mothers: they don't have to think about "what the meaning of my life is." Being a good mother gives them social recognition. This helps many women avoid the pain of self-definition.
- The downside is that this meaning is tied to their children. The child's life becomes a continuation of the mother's. If the child does well, the mother feels fulfilled; if not, it feels like a failure in her life.
2. The Courage to Unbind:
- The author advocates for breaking this symbiotic relationship.
- Mothers need to admit, "My life belongs to me, not to you."
- This means re-examining the "burden of freedom" – choosing what they like and accepting the consequences of those choices, rather than hiding behind the excuse of "for the child's sake."
Economic Perspective:
This is a re-evaluation of "opportunity cost."
In the traditional model, the opportunity cost for mothers is self-actualization; they sacrifice themselves for social recognition as mothers. In the new model, mothers calculate that continuing to sacrifice themselves results in diminished social recognition, while their own happiness decreases. Therefore, the rational choice is to stop losing and reinvest in themselves.
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Dimension Three: The "60-Point Mother" Strategy – Lowering Expectations, Avoiding Over-Competitiveness
Plain Language:
The current parenting market is full of "experts," courses, and methods, making parents feel like they're under performance pressure. The author's "60-point mother" strategy is a form of minimalism.
1. What does 60 points mean?
- Passing grade: The child goes to school, exercises, does homework, and is basically safe. That's 60 points.
- The extra effort: Trying to make the child "better" or "perfect" (e.g., excessive tutoring, enrolling in many extracurriculars, constantly monitoring emotions) is a waste of resources with diminishing returns.
2. Why not aim for 100 points?
- Information overload and expert bias: Parenting advice is often fragmented and condescending. Parents feel inadequate and self-critical.
- No one-size-fits-all: There's no universal formula. Trust your intuition more than experts.
- Balancing Psychological Accounts: If mothers devote 100% of their energy to perfection, they exhaust themselves. The 60-point strategy allows for "Me Time" (time for themselves).
3. Me Time Isn't for "Growth":
- This might seem counterintuitive, but mothers need time for themselves to recharge and maintain their mental health.
- The author says: "Me Time" is for self-pleasure – shopping, watching dramas, daydreaming – these activities are crucial for mental well-being.
Economic Perspective:
This applies the "law of diminishing marginal utility." The first 60 points of investment solve basic needs, providing the most value. The extra 40 points require significant emotional and financial costs with minimal returns, sometimes even causing conflicts. Therefore, it's rational to stop over-investing and focus on self-pleasure, which can boost overall family happiness.
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Dimension Four: Parenting Is About Being a Person – From "Techniques" to "Inner Strength"
Plain Language:
Finally, the author raises the bar: "Who you are is more important than how you act."
1. The Problem with Parenting Theories:
- Many parenting theories are just techniques on how to talk, punish, or reward.
- If parents are not strong, happy, or free inside, these techniques are ineffective. Children can sense their hypocrisy and anxiety.
- "Parenting is about being a person": If parents live a twisted, anxious, controlling life, they likely raise children who do the same.
2. Stop Self-Criticism:
- Many mothers blame themselves for not being perfect. The author suggests stopping self-judgment.
- Allow yourself to dislike your child, to feel emotions, to be "good enough."
- This self-acceptance is more important than any parenting skill.
3. The Essence of Relationships: Fate and Enjoyment:
- Parent-child relationships are a 20-year bond.
- The goal is to be comfortable and happy together, not exhausted.
- If the relationship causes pain, it's unhealthy.
Economic Perspective:
This highlights the intrinsic nature of "human capital." Parents' personalities, emotional stability, and attitudes are invisible forms of human capital for their children. Explicit education (schools, tutoring) is external, while parents' internal state is internal. Internal factors have a greater impact on long-term outcomes (children's personalities and happiness).
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Dimension Five: Summary and Insights for Everyone
Although the article is harsh, it reveals a real challenge modern families face: in an era of individualism, traditional, self-sacrificing parenting no longer works and can even be harmful.
Three Insights for Non-Financial Professionals:
1. Accept Imperfection:
Don't try to be a perfect parent. 60 points are enough for your child's growth. Use the extra energy for yourself; you need to be happy to make your child happy.
2. Be Aware of Moral Bondage:
Whether it's societal pressure or children's expectations, learn to say "no." Your worth doesn't depend on self-sacrifice.
3. Invest in Yourself:
Instead of spending on expensive courses, spend on things like flowers, movies, or self-care. When you're better, the family atmosphere improves, and so does your child.
In closing, with the author's words:
"Raising children can be frustrating and exhausting, but it's normal. Allowing yourself to dislike your child doesn't mean you don't love them. Instead of worrying about their future happiness, focus on your own. Parenting starts with self-improvement—being a good mother is enough, and the same goes for being a good person."
This is not just parenting advice; it's a philosophy for living in modern times.