Summary of the Key Points
This article exposes the utilitarian misconception held by Chinese parents: the idea that children should associate with those who have good grades. This notion is logically flawed (parents of high-achieving children also want their kids to interact with even more outstanding individuals), and it's an illusion stemming from the lack of advanced communication technologies in the past (only students with similar grades could attend the same school and thus maintain contact). The author, through personal experience and her son's friendship examples, illustrates that friendships should be based on pure factors such as interests and character. With the advancement of communication technology, children can now freely expand their social circles, but parental interference can instill a utilitarian mindset in them, affecting their sincerity in dealing with others as adults.
1. “Associating with those who have good grades”: Logical flaws + Anachronistic illusions
Parents often suggest that children should befriend students with high grades, but this seems unrealistic: if you want your child to befriend top performers, wouldn’t the parents of those students prefer their kids to associate with even more accomplished individuals? This is merely wishful thinking.
Why did people in the past think that only high-achieving students should hang out together? It wasn’t the children’s choice; it was due to inadequate communication methods! For example, in the author’s generation, there were no phones or mobile devices after elementary school. To stay in touch, one had to get into the same middle school—since the grades required for admission were similar, people often stayed in contact, leading to the misconception that only high-achievers hung out together. This is a classic case of reverse causation: it wasn’t because they had good grades that they hung out; rather, their grades were similar because they got into the same school.
2. The contradiction in parents’ utilitarian views on friendships
Many parents preach to their children to learn from others’ strengths, but when it comes to making friends, they focus solely on grades. Once their children grow up, they expect them to interact with people from all walks of life. Behind this contradiction lies a utilitarian mindset. The most concerning aspect is that if children are taught from a young age that high grades equate to being superior and low grades to being inferior, how can they treat people from different professions equally as adults? At best, they might pretend to be polite, but deep down, they’ll still view the powerful as superior (what’s often referred to as “social superiority”), leading to hypocrisy.
3. Children’s friendships today: Advanced communication technology breaks the constraints of academic grades
Thirty or forty years ago, parents could restrict their children’s social interactions because contact would be lost after graduation. Today, that’s no longer the case—every child has WeChat groups, participates in interest clubs, plays with sports teammates, and so on. Even if they attend different schools, they can stay in touch through mobile devices. This freedom is not a bad thing; it allows children to expand their social circles on their own terms and see others’ strengths (such as character and interests) rather than being limited by parental expectations based on grades.
4. True friendships: Precious qualities beyond grades
The author’s son’s examples are particularly compelling. His best friend had different grades in junior high, but they became friends because of shared interests. There was also a classmate with poor grades who planned to study abroad and even skipped classes to bring his son something delicious; her character, according to the author, is excellent. Additionally, there were students with good grades who aspired to become truck drivers and others who were talented in photography. These examples show that what truly sustains friendships are loyalty, shared interests, and sincerity, not the numbers on report cards.
5. In a utilitarian society, genuine friendships are even more valuable
Some argue that only those who “do well” in society are enthusiastic about reunions with former classmates, but this is a societal issue, not a flaw in friendship itself. In contrast, friendships formed during childhood without considering grades and based on mutual compatibility are much rarer. What parents should do is not interfere but protect this purity—letting children learn to make friends on their own terms, so they can truly develop an equal attitude and discover the strengths in others.
This article serves as a reminder to parents: don’t ruin your children’s pure friendships with your utilitarian mindset. Grades are temporary, while sincerity, tolerance, and the ability to appreciate others are qualities that will benefit them for a lifetime.