Summary of the Key Points
This article focuses on the phenomenon known as “Dengwei” (a domineering or condescending attitude), pointing out that it is not exclusive to older people but rather a result of an unconscious sense of superiority—the belief that “I know better than you; I’ve been through more, so I’m right; your discomfort is just sensitivity.” The article breaks down typical manifestations of Dengwei through examples such as interviews with Dou Wentao, speeches by leaders, and comments from Ding Taisheng, analyzes the root causes of its annoyance, and provides specific methods to address it using “coaching-style communication.”
1. The Essence of Dengwei: It’s Not About Being Old, but About an Illusion of Superiority
Many people think that Dengwei is only associated with the elderly, but the article argues that young people can also exhibit this behavior (for example, by giving orders to their parents), as can women (such as authoritative teachers). The core issue is not age but a subconscious feeling of superiority—the belief that one’s experiences and judgment are more important than those of others, even if it is disguised as “care” or “guidance.”
For instance, when Dou Wentao asked about Papi Jiang’s parents’ post-divorce situation, it seemed like concern for their family relationship, but the underlying message was “I’ve been through this, so I know how you should handle it.” When a leader says, “You guys talk first, I’ll add my thoughts later,” it’s not genuine humility; rather, they feel that “your ideas are immature and I need to conclude.” This attitude of looking down on others is the true root of Dengwei.
2. Three Common Types of Dengwei Behaviors You’ve Probably Seen
The article lists several common scenarios where Dengwei occurs:
1. Waiting to Make the Final Statement: Leaders or elders ask everyone to speak first but don’t listen properly, waiting until everyone has finished before sharing their “insight,” implying that they are more knowledgeable.
2. Using Others as Examples: Dou Wentao’s questioning of Papi Jiang was for the sake of the show, not out of genuine concern for her feelings; similarly, coaches using clients in demonstrations treat them as tools to prove their points, ignoring their actual emotions.
3. **Rapidly Claiming “I Understand You”: For example, when a friend goes through a breakup, you might say, “I understand; it’s just a break-up,” but without knowing the specifics of their situation, your response can feel dismissive and unhelpful.
4. Having a Big Ego but a Thin Skin: People like Ding Taisheng, who criticize others harshly and immediately defend themselves by saying, “I’m just speaking the truth” or “You can’t handle the truth,” often cannot tolerate different opinions and present themselves as brave individuals, when they are actually afraid of their authority being challenged.
3. Why Does Dengwei Offend People?
The most uncomfortable aspect of Dengwei is its lack of respect:
- You’re not really listening to the other person; you’re just waiting for your turn to speak.
- Your questions seem like attempts to make them accept your judgment (e.g., Dou Wentao’s questioning of Papi Jiang was to reinforce the idea that family relationships are important).
- You treat others as mere examples of your own viewpoints, not as individuals with their own thoughts and feelings.
For example, when Sa Dingding was criticized by Ding Taisheng, her response highlighted the issue: “You don’t even understand me—how can you define me?” People who exhibit Dengwei never see others as equals.
4. How to Overcome Dengwei? Try These Four Coaching Techniques
The article offers practical solutions, focusing on learning to listen first and then speak:
1. **Use “I’m Not Sure” Instead of “I Know”: Replace statements like “I know why you did that” with “If I’m misunderstanding something, could you explain more?” or “What does this mean to you?” Be more curious and less prescriptive.
2. Respond Rather Than Give Advice: When someone complains, don’t immediately offer solutions; ask, “Do I understand correctly? Would you like to share more?” Often, they just need to be heard, not guided.
3. Let Them Speak for Themselves: Don’t jump to conclusions; ask questions like, “If you had to summarize in one sentence, what do you see now?” or “What’s most important about this for you?” The real answer comes from them.
4. Reflect on Your Urgency to Give Answers: When you feel the urge to guide others, question yourself: “Do I really want to help them, or am I just avoiding silence and embarrassment? Or do I want to prove how capable I am?” The underlying reason for Dengwei is often your own insecurity (e.g., fear of being seen as useless), not genuine concern for the other person.
In Conclusion
Dengwei is not about being “bad” but about being unaware of one’s own condescending behavior. The key to overcoming it is to replace the attitude of “I know better than you” with curiosity and a desire to understand others. After all, the purpose of communication is not to persuade but to connect. Only when you treat others as equals will they be willing to engage in genuine dialogue with you.