Summary of the Key Points
This article begins with the popular meme “The first step to success is to cut off the person you have a crush on” and reveals the cold-hearted rules in society that dictate the sacrifice of emotions for personal goals and the instrumentalization of others. Drawing on research from the book *Toxic People*, it analyzes the continuous spectrum of dark personalities (which are not black-and-white but as common as cholesterol). It points out that while individuals with dark personalities may gain short-term benefits, the long-term costs are borne by society, and the proliferation of such behavior stems from most people passively handing over their power. The article proposes a shift in approach: from trying to “eliminate bad people” to learning to “coexist with malice.” This involves changing the rules that foster toxicity—such as redefining incentives and establishing boundaries—to find a true sense of success, which is not an isolated island where everyone competes fiercely but rather the ability to maintain kindness and connection in complex environments.
1. The Popularity of the “Success” Meme Reflects Unspoken Cold Rules
The meme has become popular not because it’s novel, but because it hits on an unspoken truth: for the sake of achieving goals (such as passing exams or getting a good job), love, friendship, and even human nature can be sacrificed. For example, breaking up with a partner while preparing for graduate school exams or taking credit from colleagues for promotions in the workplace are seen as “rational choices” and even praised as “decisive.” What’s more frightening is that we have become numb to this cruelty; instead of being angry, we regard it as a necessary skill for adapting to society.
Under these rules, people treat each other as competitors: you are not a companion but an obstacle to my success. Stepping on you is seen as “self-defense” rather than malice. Yet, few question why the rule that “the winner takes all” has become the norm, or why “wolfish” or “ruthless” behavior is considered admirable.
2. Dark Personalities Are Not “Bad People” Labels, but Inherent Traits in All of Us
*Toxic People* challenges the notion that dark personalities are exclusive to criminals. The author studies both prison inmates and Wall Street managers and finds they share a pattern of behavior: emotional indifference, manipulation, and disregard for rules. The difference is that criminals cross the legal line, while managers do not.
This “continuous spectrum” means that your aggressive colleague, the abusive ex-partner, or the manipulative friend may all have a higher degree of dark personality (about 10%-20%). They may not commit crimes, but they can quietly harm you by using you, exploiting your kindness, and destroying your trust. Our culture often downplays this behavior, attributing it to “incompatibility” or “high stress,” turning kindness into a curse, and making us even find excuses for the perpetrator when hurt.
3. “Bad People Always Win”? They Gain Short-Term Benefits at the Cost of Everyone Else
We tend to think that “bad people always win”—collaborative colleagues get promotions, and those who manipulate relationships go unpunished. However, research from the book challenges this intuition:
- Tracking 101 hedge fund managers over 10 years showed that those with higher levels of dark personality had lower long-term investment returns.
- Analysis of U.S. senators revealed that those with strong manipulative tendencies struggled to pass legislation.
- Leaders who rose to power through cruelty often left behind a disaffected workforce.
The “smartness” of individuals with dark personalities lies in taking the benefits for themselves while shifting the costs onto others. For example, a boss who bullies employees doesn’t have to compensate; an abusive ex-partner doesn’t need to apologize; a populist politician who divides society doesn’t apologize either. But why should we bear the consequences? Because most people passively or actively hand over their power—dreading to quit in a competitive environment, staying silent and even thinking that “enduring it will make it go away.” Each instance of silence is a contribution to allowing bad behavior to continue.
4. Instead of “Eliminating Bad People,” Learn to “Coexist with Malice”
The most crucial advice from the book is not to identify bad people but to shift from resistance to tolerance. This is similar to how North American sparrows have evolved to carry bacteria without getting sick (rather than developing stronger immunity through a arms race). It’s about:
- Establishing boundaries: clearly defining what is your work and standing up for it when crossed.
- Changing the rules: encouraging cooperation rather than “wolfish” behavior, and ensuring that kindness is not punished.
- Redefining success: not focusing solely on personal achievements but also on kindness and empathy.
These are small actions, such as speaking out against bullying at work, saying “This is everyone’s achievement” when a leader takes credit, and teaching children to cooperate rather than just focusing on grades. Many such moments can dismantle seemingly unbreakable rules.
5. The True Sense of Success Is Not an Isolated Island
The so-called “success” we strive for is not an island where everyone competes fiercely. Instead, it’s about:
- The ability to breathe freely even in a “sea” of competition (not being bound by single standards).
- The courage to reach out to others as companions (rather than seeing them as rivals).
- The determination to maintain kindness despite recognizing the dark side of human nature.
We cannot live in a world without malice, but we can choose not to let it define us. As the book says, acknowledge its existence but don’t let it control us; set boundaries while still being willing to open doors to those who deserve our help. This is what true success entails.
This article doesn’t offer simplistic solutions; instead, it presents a realistic view: changing the world does not mean eliminating bad people but starting with ourselves by no longer conforming to toxic rules. After all, true power lies in each of us making the choice not to tolerate harmful behavior.